


2am feelings mean I'll never be over you

by playlike-agirl (playlikeagirl)



Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-04
Updated: 2016-01-28
Packaged: 2018-05-11 14:34:24
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5629915
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/playlikeagirl/pseuds/playlike-agirl
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ashlyn and Ali have been broken up for three months. Ali is still heartbroken, little does she know Ash is too. This is a story (from Ali's POV and Ash's) of heartbreak, miscommunication and maybe, reconciliation.</p><p>Ali plays for the Spirit and Ash for the Pride and of course they both play for the National Team but that's not really overly important for the plot.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 2am Ali

**Author's Note:**

> So this fic started off as a really short one shot I wrote on my tumblr page, but after a few messages I decided I should continue it on here and see where it goes. Loosely based on an AU break up prompt. Some chapters will be from Ali's POV and some from Ash's. Let's just see how it goes...

_It’s 2am and you’re sitting in the corner of the over decorated room your cousin had booked out for her wedding reception. The bar had closed an hour ago and you’d definitely had too many glasses of wine, but you’re still staring at your phone, fingers hovering over her name. You tried to delete it once, when Kyle had somehow convinced you to have an ‘Ashlyn cleanse’ even though you thought that was the most ridiculous idea you’d ever heard in your life. You could never cleanse Ashlyn from your life because you still ached for her every second of every day. You know she’ll be sleeping with her hair splayed out all over the pillow like some stupid halo. Stupid. It’s so stupid the way she slept, and how her breath always tickled the back of your neck. And it was stupid how her arm always snaked tighter round you as you leaned back into her touch. It’s stupid how you’d trace her tattoos with your eyes closed. You had memorized each and every one a long time ago. It’s so stupid that you’re texting her now. To see how she’s doing. Even though you’re pretty sure she’s doing fine without you._

You had groaned when your mom rang you to tell you that you and Kyle had been invited to Lucy’s wedding. You knew she was your cousin and you should be happy for her, but you were really not in the mood for a wedding right now. A sentence you never thought could even enter into your head. But you weren’t in the mood for weddings, and didn’t think you would ever be again. It had been three months since Ashlyn had left and she was probably doing fine, you say to yourself, but you still cry on your sofa, watching old Friends re runs in Ashlyn’s oversized UNC sweater that used to smell of her but you’ve worn it so much that it just smells like you now. Three months. You should have pulled yourself together by now.

Fuck it, you think, as you tell your mom you’ll be at the wedding reception.

 The second you walk into the room, flowers bursting from a vase on every table, you immediately regret it. You cling tighter to Kyle’s arm and he just gives you a sympathetic smile as he goes over to the bar to get himself a water and you a large glass of wine. Or maybe a bottle would be better at this rate.

You can’t deny it, Lucy looks beautiful in her dress. Strapless and ivory, her hair pinned back apart from a few loose blond curls framing her face. But that doesn’t make it any easier, because all you can think about now is how you’d have liked a dress like Lucy’s but definitely white, and you would have definitely left your hair down. Your gaze shifts over to the groomsmen in their light grey suits and you imagine Ashlyn in a suit the same colour, a skinny tie and waistcoat that fits her just right. She always did pull off a suit better than any man you had ever seen. Your heart aches and your pulse quickens as you think of Syd and Dom’s wedding last year and how you had both had far too much to drink, but you still couldn’t keep your hands off one another. You remember how you’d swayed, slightly drunk on the dance floor, whispering into her ear, hands fisting her shirt desperate to pull her closer. And how she had laughed and pulled you in for a deep kiss, your teammates leering and shouting, as usual.

You jump slightly as Kyle pats your shoulder and gestures at your uncle in the corner. You go and say hello to him, and of course the first thing he asks is how ‘that lovely young girl of yours’ is. You tense up at the mention of Ashlyn and you try to smile, but it’s probably more of a grimace. ‘She’s not here’ you blurt out. ‘Ashlyn and I broke up three months ago’. ‘Oh’ your uncle replies, sensing by the tears pooling in you eyes that he shouldn’t push it any further. And he doesn’t, which you’re grateful for. You finish your wine and make a beeline for the bar. If you’re going to have to make it through this wedding you’re going to do it drunk.

You do a relatively good job of keeping things together. There are couples everywhere and you swear this is just ridiculous…there are always at least a few single people at a wedding surely. Even your mom is dancing with your step dad, and Kyle seems to have pulled one of the groomsmen. Of course you’d had your fair share of offers over the course of the night, from men, but you politely declined, preferring to wallow by yourself. Next week you’ll start dating you tell yourself. You’d been telling yourself that for the past month. You sigh and go to try and force yourself to dance with Kyle and that’s when you hear it.

_Your song. Yours and Ashlyn’s song._

_You and Me by Lifehouse. It had been on your iTunes on shuffle the first time Ashlyn had visited you in Germany. You ran to change the song, embarrassed that you had such a lovey dovey song on a playlist you’d also named ‘Ash comes to visit!!!!!’ But Ashlyn catches your arm as you almost trip over her suitcase which she’d left on the floor in her desperation to kiss you. ‘I love this song’ she’d admitted, as you felt your cheeks getting redder. ‘You do?’ ‘Are you kidding?’ Ash laughed, ‘it’s totally a first dance song. Alexandra Blaire Krieger, would you care to dance with me?’ Now it’s your turn to laugh as you take her hand and she leads you into the kitchen, swaying you completely out of time to the music, but you lean your head onto her chest and her hands fit perfectly into your hips. You mumble something into her chest. ‘What was that princess?’ She asks you, tilting your chin up so your eyes meet hers. ‘Nothing, I just said that I…IloveyouAsh’ you say so quickly you don’t think she actually understood you, let alone heard you. But she looks at you with so much love in her eyes that you think you fall in love all over again right in that moment. ‘Baby’ she just manages to exhale, breathless, ‘I wanted to be the first to say that. I love you too. So much Alex. God I’m so in love with you’. And she kisses you as the song fades out._

The next thing you know the music had died down and you find yourself on your god knows what number glass of wine, and out the corner of your eye you see Kyle and your mom and step dad walking over to you. You know you’re too drunk, and you know you shouldn’t send the text. It was a lame ‘I’m definitely too drunk and I’m definitely more lonely than usual because I’m at a wedding and everyone is in love and my heart is so broken that I don’t know how much more I can take’ text, but you couldn’t not. You missed her, you wanted to know how she was doing. She had to be doing better than you, at least. 

‘Hey. just wondered how you’ve been. Hope everything’s ok with you.

I miss you.’

 You hit send as Kyle reaches you. ‘Ready to go?’ You ease yourself off the chair as you feel your phone vibrate in your hand. You glance at the name on the screen. Ashlyn. ‘Yes, take me home please Kyle’.


	2. 2am Ash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This time from Ash's POV. Ash is slightly drunk in her apartment in Orlando and she gets Ali's text.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all I want to say thank you to everyone who asked me to continue this on here and on tumblr!! I had no idea anyone would actually like it. So here's chapter 2! I hope it follows on okay from chapter 1. I've changed a few things and I've made it so Ash and Ali have only been broken up for three months because six months seemed like too long of a time period for me and three months makes more sense in my head and for the story itself.
> 
> I'm going to try and continue this story for a few more chapters. I've got a few ideas in mind, but things are going to start to get hectic for me because classes start tomorrow and I have deadlines and German exams. I'll do my best though!
> 
> Hope you enjoy and any comments, ideas or thoughts would be appreciated!

_It’s 2am and for some ridiculous reason you’re still awake, and you’re thinking of her. It was probably your own fault for drinking too much Johnnie Walker. On your own. In your apartment. Alex had tried to get you to come out with her, Serv and some other girls on the team but you just weren’t in the mood. Not that you ever were really. Sure, you’d go out sometimes, have a good time. But not that much of a good time. Girls would throw themselves at you but you never really did much more than flirt because you couldn’t look into another pair of brown eyes without imagining the creases around Ali’s eyes as she smiled at you. And the way her nose crinkled and how that could make you do just about anything, and then some. You couldn’t sleep with another woman, because you knew you couldn’t wake up next to them without wishing Ali’s legs were draped over your own, her head nuzzled into your shoulder, her fingers lightly tracing your intricate sleeve, thinking you were still asleep. It's 2am. You’re still awake and you’re drunk. Your phone buzzes._

You don’t really know why you had said no to Alex when she had invited you out. You knew it would be good to get out and drink, rather than sit at home and drink, but you had said no anyway. Alex just sighed and placed her hand lightly on your shoulder. ‘It’s been three months Ash. Three months of moping and heartbreak and stalking each other’s twitter and instagram. Three months of awkward hellos and longing glances when you see each other at camp. I know you’re both professional and civil when you see each other, but this is ridiculous. You two need to talk.’

Ash let out a grunt. ‘I’ll be fine. Anyway we have talked.’

 Alex sighed. ‘Ash. Barking orders to Ali in training is not talking.’

‘Technically I said something, she answered. So it is talking.’

 Alex rolled her eyes. ‘Eat some pizza Ash and stay away from Ali’s instagram. I know you’re gonna be drinking.’

 Ash threw her phone onto the bed. ‘See. Gone. I won’t drink too much. I am a responsible thirty year old.’

 Alex scoffs, nodding her head towards the bottle of Johnnie Walker and the countless beers that are definitely in your fridge.

‘Ok. Well I’m a thirty year old. Stop babying me Alex, I promise you I will be fine. Go out, have fun, paint the town red.’

Alex laughs, ‘now you sound like you’re about fifty Ash. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay? Love you.’

‘Jesus Christ.’ Ash smiles to herself at her friend’s genuine concern. ‘Yes. Ok Alex. Bye. Go, now. Leave me before I push you out of the door. I love you too.’

As Alex closes the door with one last wave, you collapse face first onto your bed, already regretting your conversation with Alex. If you had just said yes in the first place Ali probably wouldn’t even have come up in conversation and you wouldn’t be thinking about the first time you’d set eyes on her.

_It’s your first camp with the National Team and you’re absolutely bricking it, to put it lightly. Of course you know a couple of the girls from college, but that doesn’t make this any easier. You’re training with Hope freaking Solo for God’s sake. You pray you don’t screw this up as you grab your bag from the carousel. Then you see her. Deep brown hair that almost looks black from where you’re standing, but you know that it probably changes colour in the summer; auburn flecks glinting in the sun’s rays. It’s pulled up in a messy bun that somehow looks effortless, and she’s wearing Nike leggings and an oversized Penn State hoodie. For some reason you wished it was your UNC hoodie and nothing else she was wearing, first thing in the morning as you made coffee for the both of you. You try to shake the thoughts out of your head as you walk towards her._

_Next thing you know, Tobin’s appearing out of nowhere, flip flops making a weirdly loud noise on the airport floor as she saunters towards the mystery girl, or maybe she wasn’t a mystery after all. ‘Kriegs’ Tobin greets as she reaches her. Kriegs. Shit. That’s Ali Krieger. You take a deep breath and walk the few remaining steps towards them, realizing you’ve probably been standing in the same spot staring for too long now. Tobin hears you approach and turns to you as she finishes giving Ali a hug. ‘Hey Ash’ you just about hear, but then Ali turns round and you swear every last breath leaves your body. Holy shit. You hadn’t even spoken to the girl yet and your palms were already sweating. This does not happen to you, you think. Pull yourself together. ‘Hi, I’m Ali. Erm Ali Krieger’ you hear her mumble to you through the haze that’s fogging your brain. ‘Hey. Ashlyn Harris’ you manage, as you attempt to smile at her. Keep your cool, you think. You look into her eyes and think you’ll try to charm her but that all goes out the window when she lifts her face from where she’s being staring shyly at her feet. She smiles and her nose crinkles up in what you think is simultaneously the cutest and sexiest thing you have ever seen in your entire life, and you swear you fall in love with her right there and then._

You grumble, annoyed at yourself for thinking about Ali and roll off the bed, taking Alex’s advice and ordering yourself a pizza. You flick through various channels and consider watching old Friends re-runs, but then you remember how Ali used to giggle at every episode even though you knew she had seen them all at least ten times. You change your mind and settle on Scandal. By the time the buzzer to your apartment goes, signaling your pizza has arrived, you’re on your third beer and you realize that Scandal probably wasn’t the best choice. They’re talking so fast you’re pretty sure you wouldn’t understand what the hell was going on even if you weren’t slightly buzzed.

You give the pizza delivery guy a generous tip and out of habit reach into the cupboard to get a plate. You used to eat it straight out of the box, but Ali insisted you use napkins and plates even though you always complained because of the unnecessary washing up afterwards.

' _We’re more civilized now Ash,’ she giggled and you mocked her. ‘Sure, civilized adults eating pizza on plates even though it’s a Saturday night and you’ve nearly polished off that bottle of wine.’ She sticks her tongue out at you and her nose does that crinkle thing you can never resist. ‘I’d use the finest china if you wanted to baby,’ you croon to her and she laughs again. ‘That laugh changes my whole day’ you say, more to yourself than anything but she hears you and blushes, suddenly finding her feet extremely interesting. You play footsie with her until she laughs again and her smile fades when she sees the serious expression on your face. You quickly smile at her and kiss her, soft at first, but it deepens after a few seconds and you hear her breath hitch and a small moan escape her lips. You pull away unwillingly and rest your forehead against hers. ‘Seriously baby, your laugh can change my whole day. If I’ve had a bad day at practice or when I think I’m never going to get another cap, I can hear your laugh, hell I can even just see you from across the room, and that’s it, I know it all doesn’t matter if you’re by my side.’ Ali pulls you in closer. ‘I love you,’ she says more into your chest than anything._

You put the plate back in the cupboard but still grab a few napkins.

You’re about halfway through your pizza when you hear your phone buzz from where you’d left it on your bed. It’s probably Alex checking up on you, you think, and you’re right. You read her text and send her a quick snapchat of the pizza to prove you’ve at least taken some of her advice. You sit on the edge of your bed catching up on twitter and instagram when you see the picture of Ali. You know you should probably unfollow her but you can’t bring yourself to do that. It seems too final somehow, even after three months. She’s just wearing a simple black dress, but it hugs her in all the right places, the edge of her tattoo just visible. You feel a tightening in your stomach as you think about how you’d kiss up her body, asking her to say the words out loud to you, in German, even though you knew them yourself now. There was something undeniably sexy about Ali Krieger speaking to you in German as you pressed lazy kisses up her ribcage to her collarbone. You see Kyle in the background and some flowers on the table next to where she’s standing and figure she’s at a wedding. Your heart twists in your chest because the only thing you want now is to be by her side, slow dancing with her, feeling her hands grip your tie as she tries to pull you in closer, like she did at Syd and Dom’s wedding. You also remember how she’d almost strangled you in her semi drunken state, eager to get it off you in your hotel room. You consider liking her picture, but think better of it as you make a beeline for the Johnnie Walker.

You pull yourself what you think is a double but is definitely far more than that and sink back onto the couch. The TV is blaring in the background but you’re far too disinterested in that now and you know you should stop yourself, but you’re scrolling through Ali’s instagram. You’re in far too deep now, you think, and your eyes glance over the picture of the both of you from your 29th birthday. _Not quite sure what I’d do without you_ you read. You pour yourself yet another glass because you realize she is probably doing just fine, dancing with someone at a wedding who’s not you.

You glance at the time on your phone and realize how late it is. You consider turning your phone off and going to bed but just then your phone buzzes in your hand and your heart skips a beat as you see Ali’s name flash up. You pause, your drink dangling halfway to your mouth. You take a swig and open the text.

‘Hey. Just wondered how you’ve been. Hope everything’s ok with you.

 

I miss you.’

You don’t know what to do. You’re far too drunk to be thinking straight. You consider not replying at all, but you can’t ignore her now. Questions race through your mind. Why? Does she really miss me? Is she just drunk? ‘I’m definitely too drunk’ you say to yourself, and type out a reply.

‘Hi Alex,’ you start and then pause because you’ve suddenly forgotten how to form a sentence. ‘Everything’s ok thanks.’ You think about ending it there but your fingers are moving independently of your whisky hazed brain and you continue typing. ‘How are things with you? I miss you too.’

You hit send and crawl into bed, knowing you’re going to wake up with a headache and possibly some regret.


	3. 2pm Ali

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The next day. Ali responds to Ash's text.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter was a bit longer than I planned, as was the flashback section. Had a bit of a manic week so hope this chapter is alright!

_It’s 2pm the next day and you’ve read Ash’s reply for the fiftieth time. You’re not even exaggerating. That’s why you wake up at 11am with your head pounding, even though you’re pretty sure that’s less the countless glasses of wine you drank last night, and more the fact that how fast your heart is beating has somehow migrated to your brain. Your whole body pulsates with nerves and you can’t decide if it’s butterflies in your stomach or those glasses of wine again. So you haven’t moved off your bed and are currently lying, in a rather dangerous position, of holding your phone over your face. You thrown the phone down on the pillow next to you, Ash’s pillow, and groan. As you woke up this morning you realized you were wearing one of Ash’s old black t shirts. Clearly she’d left it here on purpose, you think, although in reality you’d hidden it at the back of your closet when she had taken all her other clothes. You’re pretty sure she knew you had it but she didn’t mention it. You had to keep it. She’d worn it on your first date. Well, date was probably a bit of an overshot, but the first time you had both agreed to do something at camp outside the team meals. The first time you’d kissed. You’d been getting closer after that first meeting at the airport. There was just something about Ash that fascinated you and still, even now, does. How her tattoos make her seem like a badass but in reality she’s more of a softie than you are. How sweet her voice sounds and how her laugh makes you laugh. How every time she smiles and you see her dimple all you want to do is kiss her. How kind, caring and compassionate she is even though you know she’s had a rough time of it. How your life has never been the same since she left._

_But in those first few days you just relished being in her company and found yourself missing her when you didn’t see her for a few hours. It’s just an intense friendship you’d told yourself, but you knew it was much more. You were scared to admit it to yourself. She was Ash. She was a she. Sure you’d kissed girls before, you’d been to college, but this was different. And you didn’t know how to deal with it, or how to even know if Ash liked you or if she was like this with all the girls. You knew she was a flirt, but the way she always made a beeline for you at team meals, the way her hand lingered on the small of your back, and the way she had jokingly called you Princess that one time and how it had now become her pet name for you, told you, or at least let you hope otherwise. That’s why when she sidled up to you after a particularly grueling training session and asked if you wanted to walk down to the beach with her on your day off, you’d agreed far too eagerly. Ash just grinned and you found yourself grinning too._

_‘Huh? What was that?’ you ask as you hear Ash mumble something._

‘Your smile.’ And you don’t think you’d ever seen tattooed, badass Ashlyn Harris look so flustered before. ‘It’s just nice.’ 

_You laugh. ‘Just nice?’_

_‘No, I mean it’s just, it’s-well it’s just your nose crinkles up and you eyes light up and it’s just-yeah.’_

_You smile again, exaggerating it this time._

_Ash laughs. ‘Stop it, I won’t be able to deny you anything with that smile, Princess.’_

_'That’s the plan’ you answer, as Ash smirks at you._

_You feel yourself going bright red, which is made worse by how Ash places her hand lightly on your lower back. You think you visibly shudder as her lips ghost your ear. ‘Oh yeah?’_

_And that’s it. You have lost the ability to speak._

_‘Pick you up at 11 tomorrow?’ she asks._

_You nod your head, partly grateful for Pinoe bursting her way into the training room, cutting your conversation with Ash short._

_The next day you wake up at 8am, attempting not to disturb Syd. Although she was snoring so loudly you’re pretty sure nothing short of spraying her with the shower head would wake her up._

_‘Kriegs I love you but what the fuck have you done to our hotel room?’ Syd half grunts as she wakes up an hour later._

_‘I can’t decide what to wear’ you shrug._

_Syd, excited by the prospect of picking out an outfit for you perks up straight away._

_‘Where are you going!?’_

_‘Just to the beach’ you reply._

_Syd immediately gets up, rummaging through the pile of clothes you’ve thrown on the floor and, annoyingly, two minutes later has an outfit laid out on the bed for you._

_She smiles proudly and you can’t help but be impressed. She’s picked out a simple grey summer dress for you and some sandals and you have no idea how you hadn't been able to compose your nerves about seeing Ash (going on a date? Was it a date? Who knew) to do this yourself._

_‘It’s perfect, put your bikini on under it if you’re gonna go in the sea. Ooooh and take my beach bag’ she motions to her oversized bag on the floor, nearly swatting you in the face with her arm. ‘Who are you going with anyway?’ she asks, raising an eyebrow, clearly curious about who’s got you so flustered about picking out an outfit._

_‘Oh’ you feel your face heating up. ‘Just Ash’ you squeak out._

_You see Syd’s eyebrows raise again but thankfully she says nothing. You’ve just finished changing as you hear a knock on your door. Shit. You take a last glance in the mirror by your bed as you go to answer it._

_You open the door to mid-knock Ash and you can’t help but stare. You don’t think you have ever seen anyone pull off all black so well before but somehow she does. Her t shirt, rolled up at the sleeves, and long black board shorts paired with black Nikes shouldn’t work, but it does. And you’re glad._

_‘You look beautiful’ she smiles. ‘Nice dress.’_

_‘Thanks’ you smile, blushing._

_‘Shall we?’ she asks and bows dramatically, offering you her arm. You laugh and take it as you hear Syd shout from within._

_‘Have fun girls, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.’_

_‘Well there’s not a lot you wouldn’t do really is there Syd?’ Ash jokes as Syd attempts to throw her pillow at the both of you._

_You can’t help but chuckle to yourself as you and Ash walk arm in arm to the elevator._

_‘Can we take the stairs?’ you ask, not looking her in the face._

_‘Are you that unfit at camp that you need to get your exercise in on the stairs?’ Ash smirks._

_You stare at your feet as you explain how you’re actually terrified of elevators. Ash just listens, her hand lightly rubbing your arm and you’re surprised you haven’t stumbled more over your words, distracted by how soft her skin is against yours._

_‘Let’s take the stairs from now on, okay?’ and she gently guides you to the stairs, her hand never moving from the small of your back._

_The beach is perfect and it’s warm but not too hot. You go paddling in the sea like small children and you don’t think you’ve stopped laughing since you got there. You decide to take a walk along the sand and Ash picks your shoes up for you swatting your hand away when you try to carry them. You go to a small café for lunch and before you realize it it’s time you headed back. You reluctantly turn to take a last walk along the beach as the sun sets and you don’t know how you plucked up enough courage, but you slip your hand into Ash’s. You feel her hand freeze for a second, before she starts rubbing her thumb slowly over yours. Your heart is pounding out of your chest and all you can think about is how much you want to kiss her. Then. It happens. All of a sudden Ash stops and pulls you so you’re facing her. Her thumb slowly moves from your hand up your arm to cup your cheek and you have never been this nervous about anything in your life._

_‘Breathe baby’ you hear Ash whisper as you flick your eyes up to her lips._

_‘I can’t. You’re breathtaking’ you mumble out and with that Ash closes the small distance between you. The second her lips ghost yours you feel like anything you have ever felt for anyone else has just been a small spark, leading up to the fireworks that you feel when you are around Ash. Her lips move softly against you at first but you hear her moan slightly. You deepen the kiss as you loop your hands around her neck, dying to have her closer to you. She moves her hands up slightly from where they have been resting on your hips and ghosts them along your lower back. It’s your turn to moan now as Ash moves her hands up to cup your face, softly stroking your cheek as she bites your lip…_

You pull yourself out of the thought of kissing Ash and groan as you make a beeline for the kitchen, desperate for something to get rid of your pounding head. You remember Kyle dropping you off at your door last night, batting him away when he asked you what had got you so eager to get back to your apartment without him. You’d needed to be alone to process Ash’s text. 

‘Hi Alex. Everything’s ok thanks. How are things with you? I miss you too.’

You were still reeling over it as you walked out of the wedding with Kyle. He knew something was up and kept giving you the side eye, probably because you were grinning to yourself like a giddy teenager. You could see he was itching to ask you what was going on, but, all credit to him, he kept his mouth shut. Well, until he tried to come into your apartment building and demand the deets. 

‘It’s nothing Kyle, just a text that’s it, I mean it’s not even a big deal or anything. Just a text that I need to reply too but I don’t really know what to say back, but hey it’s not a big deal, I can, erm I can reply tomorrow.’ You know you’re rambling and Kyle has suddenly twigged. 

‘OH SWEET BABY JESUS IT’S FROM ASH ISN’T IT?’ Kyle screams.

Shit, you think, and Kyle takes your lack of an answer as a yes.

‘Don’t you dare reply to her Ali!’ Kyle replies, suddenly all serious.

‘Well, I wouldn’t’ you retort, ‘but I texted her first.’

Kyle groans and dramatically cradles his face in his hands. 

‘Oh god Ali, what am I going to do with you?’ Kyle groans.

‘Nothing, it’s all good’ you smile, a little too over enthusiastic as Kyle splutters out his laughter. Whilst he’s distracted you push him out of the doorframe and shut the door.

‘I love you I’ll speak to you tomorrow’ you call, secretly glad for some time alone.

You hear Kyle bang on the door but grumble and walk off, towards your mom and stepdad who are probably wondering what on earth is going on.

Even with Kyle gone you still can’t think straight, your phone still cradled in your hands like any sudden movement will erase Ash’s text. You decide to undress, unconsciously slipping on one of Ash’s old black t shirts. You crawl into bed, but not before the sensible Ali creeps back and you pour yourself a glass of water. You fall asleep, your phone still cradled in your palm, knowing you’re probably going to dream of Ash.

And that’s how you ended up in your kitchen, still wearing Ash’s t shirt and some baggy track pants, sipping the coffee you’d just brewed for yourself. You’ve rehearsed what you want to type out several times in your head but nothing seems to translate to your phone screen. If you weren’t so desperate to talk to Ash you’d probably throw your phone in frustration, but you’re verging on desperation now as you begin to panic that Ash doesn’t think you’re going to text back. You decide that, fuck it, you’re just going to send the text.

‘I’m sorry for everything Ash. You have no idea how glad I am that you replied. I just wish I could take it all back. I thought I could do this all without you but I can’t. I know we have a match in Orlando next week. Can we talk then? Please?’

Fuck it. You send it.


	4. 2pm  Ash

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So here's the chapter where we find out a bit more about how and why Ash and Ali broke up...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Obviously I don't actually think Ali and Ash would ever break up because Ash is going to Orlando but this just kind of came into my head.  
> This all takes places within a day or two of the first chapter and the wedding, with the game being the following Saturday. Let's just pretend Ali can just fly out to Orlando early by herself. Obviously nothing is really that accurate in terms of games and days etc.  
> Enjoy!  
> I have a few more chapters planned after this one so let's see how it goes!

_It’s 2pm and you’ve not moved out of bed since you woke up an hour ago. You know you should get up, you need to head to the gym, but you keep replaying your text to Ali in your head and wondering why she hasn’t text back. I mean she text you first. Was she drunk? Probably…she was at a wedding. You groan, already picturing how awkward it was going to be when you played the Spirit next week. You never had and never would let emotions get in between your performance on the pitch, even when you were both playing for the Spirit you were very much the keeper and Ali a defender; you barked orders at her like you would anyone else. But still, every time you shook hands after a match now you could feel her touch searing into your skin. You could feel yourself lingering that second too long and you knew. You knew you weren’t over her. How could you ever be over her? How do you ever get over someone who gave you so much to remember? How do you get over the only woman you’d ever wanted to spend the rest of your life with? The only woman you’d ever loved and the only woman who had ever broken your heart._

_Last week you were at a coffee shop you had never been in before, grabbing a quick coffee on the way to a meeting with your agent. You thought it was ridiculously tacky at first; quotes and motivational signs pinned everywhere. But then you’d read something scrawled in chalk on the blackboard walls. ‘You might not get over it, but you will get through it.’ Bullshit, you’d thought to yourself. You will never get through it. You will never get through being without Ali. It had been three months and nothing was easier. You still woke up everyday, cold, missing how she would always be awake before you but she would stay in bed most days, her leg draped over yours, her head nuzzled into your chest, watching you sleep. You would never get through the fact that her face was no longer the first thing you saw in the morning or the last thing you saw before you went to sleep. You’d never get through feeling this lonely. You never believed love could be this much. You never believed you wouldn’t be able to cope without it. Every atom of you missed Ali. Sure you got through the days, you trained, you played soccer. Hell, you were still getting call ups to the national team. You were getting through life, but it’s like you were still on auto-pilot. Going through the motions because that’s what people do. But nothing made sense anymore. You’d always been a romantic at heart, you thought love was the one thing that could get you through anything, but now love was the thing that was destroying you. And you realized. You realized that it wasn’t always love. Love wasn’t sunrises and sunsets and beautiful summer days on the beach. Love wasn’t going to bed at 3am because you’d both fallen asleep on each other on the couch. Love wasn’t dancing round the kitchen together just because you’re favourite song was on the radio. Love was cold winter mornings where nothing can warm the hollowness of your heart. Love is dark nights when even the stars can’t shine. Love was waking up at 8am because you drank too much the night before trying to drown your sorrows. Love was making coffee for two even though there was only one of you now. Love wasn’t always going to save you. Love was sometimes going to ruin you and you’ll be lying on the floor, broken hearted, tears streaming down your face, wondering why and how they could ever leave you even though you already knew why._

_The memories come flooding back now and you can’t stop them. Three months ago. You’re pretty sure that night is etched into your brain and for all the wrong reasons. You had known a team was coming to Orlando for months and you and Ali had talked about the possibility of moving there. That’s if they wanted you, of course. ‘Why wouldn’t they want you?’ Ali had asked, laughing at your doubts. ‘You are world class Ash, everyone knows that apart from you. You need to believe in yourself.’ So when you got the call saying they wanted you, you thought she’d be over the moon for you. And she was, deep down she was. Because you’d been happy for her when the Spirit had wanted her and she could move home. But you’d gone with her then. Ali wasn’t going with you. Ali wasn’t leaving DC. You had tried to talk about it, you had even talked to the big shots at the Pride and they had told you that signing Ali was a huge possibility. But Ali just shook her head._

_‘I can’t Ash, I can’t leave. This is my home. This will always be my home.’_

_‘Always?’ you ask, the word seeming too final, too absolute coming from Ali’s lips._

_‘Always, Ash. I can’t leave, I can’t leave. I-I won’t. Playing in my hometown where my family can come and watch means everything. I played in Germany for four years. You know how often my family saw me play there? Once in a blue moon Ash and now I see them every week.’_

_‘You don’t think I understand that Ali? I fucking understand that. My family never see me play here, my family never see me play on the national team. I have 8 caps. Your family have seen you play in Canada. I can’t even get a cap in my own hometown. And I am your family Alex. I saw you play in Frankfurt. I fucking moved to Germany for you, to be with you. I moved away from my family, my hometown and I’ve never once mentioned going back until now. There had never been a reason too. But now. Now...this is just a fantastic opportunity Als. It’s a brand new team. We can make a difference, building the team from the ground up. You have always been my family Alex, and you will always be my home. Won’t you come with me baby? We can do this together. We can get a house on the beach, we can get married and have babies and I can teach them to surf and play soccer. And you can teach them how to live life like there are no limits. Move to Orlando with me baby please…Baby?’_

_You were practically begging now but Ali stayed silent. Head bowed, avoiding looking at you._

_'No. Ash. I can’t. I want all of that, I do. God I want that so much with you, but it’s just too much right now. I need you here with me. This is our home.’_

_‘This is your home Ali! Your home and I’m just a part of it. God I would give up the world for you, I would move the stars for you and arrange them so they all shone for you and for you alone. You know that. I thought you would do the same for me too.’ You can feel the tears now and you don’t even try to stop them._

_‘I can’t love you like that. God Ash I love you with all I have and more, but your love is always going to be more. I didn’t know anyone could love me the way you do and I love how you love but it’s overwhelming and scary sometimes and I feel like I can’t match up. I feel like my love isn’t enough. I feel like you love me more than I can ever love you.’_

_Your heart stops and plummets to your shoes, breaking into a thousand pieces._

_That was it. That was the moment it was over. You’d loved her too much. You were too much._

_So you left. Silently and quickly, packing up all your things as Ali just watched. You had a short time period to move to Florida before the season started. She had tried to explain. She had tried to tell you she loved you, but how could you believe her? How could you ever think she would love you as much as you love her? When you were willing to move to another country when she couldn’t even consider moving states? Something you had done for her without a second thought two years ago. She was right, you felt too much. You were too much and she couldn’t offer you enough._

_You were too proud to settle for less than you deserved, and you’d left. You regretted it every single day. You knew she loved you with everything she had. But sometimes, everything is still not enough. Maybe you should have stayed. Maybe you should have given her more time to explain. But you were broken. It was all broken._

You’re pulled out of your thoughts by the low buzzing of your phone. You go to grab it and see Ali’s text:

‘I’m sorry for everything Ash. You have no idea how glad I am that you replied. I just wish I could take it all back. I thought I could do this all without you but I can’t. I know we have a match in Orlando next week. Can we talk then? Please?’

You stare at the screen taking it all in. She wants to talk to you. You know you shouldn’t give in this easily, you know you shouldn’t, but you will, you know you will. Because you know how she feels. You can’t do any of this without Ali by your side. Your heart leaps at her words, that she wishes she could take it back. But you know she can’t. She stayed in DC for a reason, why would she want to change that now? Things can’t have changed that much in three months surely. Ali was too stubborn for that.

You don’t know what to do and you don’t know how to reply. Your heart is beating too fast now and your palms start to sweat.

You press dial.

‘Hey’ you hear, but it’s more of a sigh of relief than an actual world. ‘Ashlyn.’

‘Hello Alex’ you state, too formally and you panic. Why are you phoning her? You feel your heart breaking all over again at the sound of her voice. ‘I, um, I thought it would be easier to phone than to try and put down all I wanted to say in a text.

Ali interrupts you and you’re partially grateful.

‘Ash I’m sorry, I sent you the text you when I was drunk and perhaps that was a mistake I know you hate me-’

 ‘I could never hate you Alex. Ever.’ You state that as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

You can hear Ali breathing through the phone and you know she’s anxious from the slight hitches in her breath. You wish you were there with her to lightly trace circles on her back, holding her in your arms as she calmed down. 

‘I just-Ash. Ashlyn. I miss you so much and I don’t know what to do without you. I thought I could do this. I thought home was enough. But home’s nothing without you Ash. You are my home for God’s sake. You’re the only place I feel safe. I know I broke things forever between us, at least what we were. But please. Please give me a chance to explain. To make it up to you. To prove that I love you just as much as you love me. I realized now that how you loved wasn’t too much. I-I just wasn’t enough for you, and I was a coward and I was stupid and-oh God Ash.’

You can hear Ali’s sobs through the phone and you wished more than anything you had not walked out that night in DC. You wish you had stayed, worked things out. You wish you hadn’t been so rash and made the worst decision of your life by leaving Ali. Yes, she’d been the one to break you, but really she was the only one who could ever put you back together again. You’d been here before with Ali. You were there when she was coming to terms with her sexuality, you knew how rough it could be, and you almost feel guilty for walking out on her. DC was her home. Florida was yours. You knew how much of a pull home held.

‘Ash are you there?’ Ali’s voice is barely a whimper.

‘I’m here baby, I’m here. I’m always here.’

You hear Ali’s sigh of relief.

‘Can we meet next week before the match? I can come down a day early, I can get a room from the team's hotel early and we can go for coffee and talk.’

 _Coffee in the morning with the person I love_ you think to yourself.

‘Yeah. Um, that sounds good’ you respond, mentally kicking yourself for how lame you probably sound to Ali. 

* * *

 

You agree to meet Ali at a coffee shop on the corner of your street, worried that inviting her to your place would be too much for the both of you. You arrange it for the coming Thursday, two days before your game. Four days from now. You say goodbye awkwardly, promising to text Ali where and when to meet.

You drop your phone down on the bed and let out the breath you didn’t know you’d been holding.

Maybe broken hearts could heal after all.

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. Forever will never be long enough

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ali goes to Orlando to see Ash. They talk...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I'm super sorry I haven't updated in forever. I've been feeling really unmotivated and have had some other stuff going on. This chapter is the final one, hopefully to tie up all the loose ends. Sorry if it's a bit messy, but I didn't want to leave this unfinished but, as I said, I haven't been feeling super motivated to write. I hope it's ok! Enjoy!

You were trembling, butterflies in your stomach at the prospect of seeing Ash. You had text her your flight details and Ash, of course, insisted upon picking you up from the airport. You feel like you can’t breathe as you see Ash’s jeep door open and a flash of blonde hair emerge.

You watch her walk towards you and your heart stops in your chest, your breath hitches and your palms start to sweat. She’s even more beautiful than you remember. She’s wearing all black, as usual, even though the heat of the Florida sun is already making you sweat. Or that might be Ash. Probably both. Her snapback is backwards and you’re jealous of the way she can literally roll out of bed, throw anything on and look this perfect. Of course she argues with you when you say you wish you could do that, stating that you look as perfect first thing in the morning as you do all dressed up.

She smiles as she reaches you and you suddenly have forgotten how to move.

 ‘Ali?’ she raises a quizzical eyebrow to you and you realize your mouth is wide open.

 ‘Hey, I was just, yeah. Hey’ you mumble, staring anywhere but into Ash’s eyes.

 She laughs, ‘hey mumbles’.

You look up and she pulls you into a hug. A tight hug. It’s not a friend hug, it’s a ‘we can be more, we were more than friends’ hug, and you soften into her arms, breathing in her scent. You’d always told her she smelt like the sun and she would laugh at you, telling you that makes no sense. But you’d just insisted, telling her she smelt of sunshine and the sea.

 ‘So my hotel isn’t far off, I can drop my bags there and we can grab coffee if you like?’ you rattle off, still avoiding Ash’s eyes.

 ‘Ali. Look at me.’

 You look up into Ash’s eyes and you see a softness there that instantly relaxes you.

 ‘Why don’t I just take your bags to mine and we can have coffee there? It’s a bit more private than sitting in a crammed coffee shop, and I feel like this is a conversation we probably need to have in private.’

You nod your approval ‘good idea.’

 You go to grab your bags but Ash, chivalrous as ever, has already grabbed them and is hauling them into the trunk.

‘Packed lightly as usual then Alex’ she laughs as she pretends to struggle.

You grin at her. ‘You never know what you might need.’

‘Hmmm’ Ash hums, winking at you.

You let out the breath you were unaware you’d been holding, glad that things, at least for the moment, weren’t too awkward. You grimaced slightly as you imagined that it wasn’t going to be this carefree once you talked through everything and you tried to explain how stupid you had been. But you push that to the back of your mind, concentrating on the short journey back to Ash’s.

The car journey is mostly silent, the radio playing lightly in the background. You watch Ash drum her fingers on the steering wheel whilst you’re stuck at the traffic lights; she’s always been an impatient driver, usually eager to get to training or the beach. But in less than ten minutes you’ve arrived at Ash’s apartment and she grabs your bags wordlessly, motioning for you to enter the building before her. You step towards the elevator and out of habit Ash goes to grab your hand to comfort you.

‘Sorry’ she blushes, dropping your hand immediately. ‘Habit.’

You smile awkwardly, trying to think of a reason to grab her hand again without making things weird. You resist, instead concentrating on the buttons lighting up as you get closer to Ash’s floor. When you step into Ash’s apartment, you’re not surprised. It’s very Ash. Skateboard and surfboard propped up against the wall. It looks eerily like your place in DC when Ash still lived there; cupboard doors open and things strewn haphazardly around the kitchen in Ash’s feeble attempt at tidying up. You immediately step into the kitchen and finish her attempt at tidying up.

You feel Ash’s eyes burning into you as you realize what you’re doing.

 ‘Sorry’ you mumble. ‘Habit.’

 Ash just laughs. ‘It’s fine, I never realized how useless I was until you were no longer there.’

 You wince at her words and Ash notices and changes the subject.

 ‘Coffee?’

 ‘Sure’ you answer and Ash gets the cups out, having memorized how you take your coffee after the first time you ever had it together.

_Coffee in the morning with the person I love. Your idea of perfection, you think to yourself as you watch Ash put a pot of coffee on. You still couldn’t quite believe that this was happening. That you’d stayed the night. That you had woken up, naked, Ash’s arm draped across your stomach, her legs tangled up with yours. You’d woken up first, always an early riser, and had carefully turned around so you could watch Ash. She was beautiful all the time, but especially when she slept. All blonde hair and soft features, her breath warm against your neck. You traced your finger along her jaw and to her lips and she smiled in her sleep, pulling you closer. When she finally woke she was adorably confused. She was definitely not a morning person, that much you’d learnt pretty quickly._

_'Morning sleepyhead’ you had crooned._

_'Hmm. Morning baby’ she’d managed, opening her eyes which soon roamed over your naked body. ‘God Ali you’re so beautiful. How are you so beautiful?’_

_You had just laughed and made to turn away… ‘I’m not, not with morning breath anyway’ you had tried to joke, but Ash had pulled you back._

_'_ _Beautiful. Always beautiful’ she stated as she leant in for a kiss._

_You moaned into the kiss as Ash rolled you over so she was on top of you and pressed her body flush against you._

_'I always thought I hated mornings’ Ash mumbled out between kisses. ‘But I could be a morning person if mornings meant waking up next to you every day.’_

_You had just kissed her harder._

The coffee was done and you were now nursing it in between your hands, not knowing where to start. How would you start? I’m so sorry that I didn't move with you when I had the chance? I’m so sorry that I was too scared to move mountains to be with you, when you had moved sun, sea and stars just to be close to me? I’m sorry I was so scared of how much I loved you? Of how much you meant to me? Sometimes, it just didn’t seem enough…

Luckily Ash spoke up.

‘So. Yeah, we should talk. I-’

‘Ash wait. Shit, sorry I don’t mean to interrupt you. I just have to get this out before I change my mind.’

Ash just motions at you to continue. You mentally kick yourself for interrupting her, your eagerness to explain yourself now being replaced by pure terror. What if she doesn’t care? What if she doesn’t accept your apology? You push the thoughts from your mind and take a deep breath.

‘I made the biggest mistake of my life that night when I said no to you. When I said I wouldn’t follow you to Orlando even though you had followed me around the world before. I don’t know why I said no. Maybe I got scared, maybe I was just being stupid. But I’m sorry Ash. God, I’m so sorry.’

You have to take a few deep breaths as the tears are flowing freely now. You take a quick glance up at Ash’s face, pretty stoic apart from her watery eyes. You carry on.

‘When I said your love was always going to be more, what I meant was that sometimes I feel like I can’t match up to your love. It’s just so much Ash, and I know I love you with every bone in my body, but sometimes I feel like you love me like that and then more. I feel like I can never match up to you in that respect. It makes me feel inadequate, like I love you less, or should be doing something so I feel more. But I’m sure I can’t feel any more than I do right now. These last three months have been hell on earth for me. Every single day I’ve woken up and regretted what happened. I’ve rolled over, searching for you, only to break my own heart all over again when I realized you’d gone and it was all my fault. I can’t sleep properly at night because I can’t feel you against me, can’t feel your breath on my neck. Every song reminds me of you and DC just doesn’t feel like home anymore. And I realized, baby, I realized that home is not a place, but a person. And you are my person. You are my person, you are my home, my family. Wherever you are, that’s my home. You are my home baby. And I know I messed things up and we can’t go back to how we were or what we were straight away. Hell, I don’t even know if you want me back, but I would do anything to get you back Ash. Anything.’

You are sobbing unashamedly now and you let out a cry and sink your head down onto your knees.

Less than a second later and Ash is holding you.

‘Fuck Ali. Alex, baby, please don’t cry. It’s ok. Well, it’s not ok. You broke my heart, I’m not going to deny that. When you said I loved more, that-it felt like my heart broke into a million pieces. I loved you so much then, and if anything, these three months have made me love you even more. But please don’t feel inadequate, like your love isn’t enough. Your love is more than enough. Your love is the one thing that has kept me going these last few years. Every time I didn’t make a roster, every time I did but never got a cap, you were there. I knew everything would be alright if I could just hold you. I knew that even if I never got another cap, it wouldn’t matter as long as I could watch you reach your hundredth, two hundredth cap. But then you broke me, you broke me baby, and nothing was ok again. The only thing that’s saved me has been Orlando and concentrating on this team. But I need to know something…’

You look up into hazel eyes. ‘Anything.’

‘If we are going to try this again, because I’ll be damned if I can go another three days, let alone three months without you, I need to know something.’ Ash states.

‘Anything’ you repeat.

‘I need to know you’re in it for the long haul. Because from the moment I saw you, that was it for me. I want to marry you Alex, I want to have children with you, grow old with you. I want us to be eighty years old, surrounded by grandchildren and still be able to look over to you and know that we have been in this together forever.’

You cannot speak. You have tears flowing down your cheeks, ruining your mascara, but for once you don’t care.

‘Oh baby’ you squeak out between sobs. ‘I want all of that. I want that so much with you. I am so in love with you. And I won’t lie to you, I’m terrified by how much I love you. I can’t breathe when you’re not around, and the sun fades from the sky. The colors are all drained without you by my side. And that scared me Ash. But you know what scares me more? Not being able to call you mine. Not being with you. So yes. We are in this forever. Forever, forever. I will marry you one day, I will have your children. I will grow old with you, and laugh at you when you’re eighty years old and still trying to eat a whole jar of Nutella. I will spend my whole life showing you how much I love you.’

You know Ash is crying now, as she runs her hands up and down your back. You lean your heads together, and press your lips to hers for a soft kiss.

‘I know there’s a lot to think about’ Ash murmurs to you, not least the fact you still play for the Spirit. ‘But for now, for tonight, let’s just stay here, together. Our forever can start tomorrow.’

Ash pulls you onto her lap, exhausted. And as she strokes your hair, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead, you think that forever will never be long enough with her.


End file.
